Posted by: Amie | February 10, 2009

All Things Annoying

Some of you may or may not know that I’m expecting to hatch out my first offspring come  March 24 – on or around.

At the height of the most hormones and chemicals running through my body, I find things to be incredibly annoying. On top of that, I find I have more courage to point out that I am, in fact, annoyed to whomever happens to be causing said annoyance. This part of the pregnancy I, almost, wish would last forever.

Before you go calling me a hormonal bitch, just know that I’m not alone. I visit babycenter.com forums on a regular basis, and it seems “slight irritability” is a common symptom of pregnancy.  Hundreds and hundreds of posts are made each day of venting out of frustrations and depicting certain incidents in which pregnant women feel like they want to strangle someone.

To avoid such atrocities from happening, for those of you who have never been pregnant, never will be pregnant, and who, obviously just forget how much “fun” it is to be pregnant, I’m shall graciously provide you with a culminated laundry list of things to avoid of you wish not to get jumped by a pregnant lady.

First, we’ll begin with the simplest:

  • teeth sucking – Seriously, go floss and just f*cking stop it.
  • lip smacking
  • coins-in-pocket jangling
  • people in public (or in home) talking on speaker phone – You’re not so damn busy doing something else that you can’t actually hold the phone. KNOCK IT OFF.
  • mouth breathing
  • tapping, clicking, or rolling writing utensils
  • no-signaled turns
  • driving below the speed limit
  • gabbing at the check-out counter – Get your shit and get out! We usually can’t stand for more than twenty minutes at a time, and the closer we get to that threshold, the angrier at the universe we become.
  • I’m sure I’m forgetting some – oh wait, yeah. It’s the fact that we forget everything all the time and almost instantaneously. Don’t be a jerk when we ask you for the third, fourth or twenty-fifth time where something is or what you said. We seriously can’t help it.

Of course, there are ones that are purely pregnancy related. Preggos might only verbally assault you for the previous list, but for the following, they’re likely to throat punch you Chuck Norris-style:

1. ) Commenting on our size

i.e. (Actual quotes taken from babycenter.com that women have heard):

“Hey, fatty. What’s up?”

“You’re only ___ weeks?! You’re HUUUUGE!”

“I don’t remember ever being THAT big when I was pregnant!”

We f*cking know, okay?! After all, we’re the ones who have to dress ourselves daily in too tight panties, too tight bras, too tight shoes and pants. We know we look like beached whales. We know we’re huge, massive, and all out freaks of nature. Pointing that out, especially on a daily basis, is not hilarious, is not cute, and in no way do we find it amusing. In fact, saying any of that, is an automatic death sentence.

2.) Imitating “The Waddle”

This is most commonly performed by men, children ( for whom, before they’re old enough to know, it’s excusable) and old ladies (for some reason). Would you mock someone with a limp from a car accident? No, you would not. So why do you think it’s perfectly okay to mock a woman, in an obvious condition, with a five to six pound object resting in her pelvis? We don’t do it to look cute, or funny. We do it because that’s simply the only way for us to get around. If you want to do it to be cute, come a little closer and I’ll make your waddle a little more realistic.

3.) Saying, “Are you sure it’s not TWINS?!”

This pretty much the same as commenting on size, but you’re just trying to find a tactful way to say we look fat. We’re sure. We’re sure it’s not twins. Most of us have been strapped to a very thin, very cold ultrasound table and have been probed in every way and fashion and on several occasions. Unless a woman is giving birth to a litter (four or more), or has had no scans at all, it’s highly unlikely that they’ve just missed a fetus in there swimming about, and you will subject yourself to the same punishment as listed under #1.

4.) Commenting on what, or how much we eat or drink

This one is HUGE. So huge, that each must be broken down into  subcategories.

a.) “Look, everyone. _____ is our human garbage disposal!

This was said to eight-months pregnant girl (from babycenter.com) by her grandma. She had waited all day to attend the dinner party that was running late, so she searched the kitchen to find snacks.

First of all, let me explain this: everything during pregnancy is urgent. You have to pee NOW , you have to puke NOW, you have to eat NOW!! There is no luxury in waiting. If you don’t pee, you’ll pee your pants. If you don’t find a place to barf, it’s coming up anyway. If you don’t eat, you’ll barf. That’s just how it goes. So with that first little rumble, you know you’ve got about 30 seconds, tops, before the doubling-over type of hunger sets in, and about three minutes before you need to stick your head in a trash can. Calling someone a human garbage disposal is rude enough, pregnant or not – let alone from someone who has been pregnant before, to someone who is pregnant now.

b.) “Are you suuuure you should be eating that?”/”You shouldn’t eat/drink that. I’ve heard it’s bad for pregnant women to eat/drink that.”

Do you have a degree in medicine? Have you read every baby book on the planet? Have you been closely following me to each appointment? No, you haven’t. So really, shut the f*ck up.

I find it utterly amusing that it’s usually people who can’t get pregnant (men) and people who have never been pregnant that offer up these gems.

For fairness and science’s sake, here’s the list of things women should definitely not eat or drink.

…. did you see it? No?! That’s because there’s not one. That’s right, folks. There is no list of things a pregnant woman should definitely *not* eat.

However, there is a list of things we should use in moderation or try to avoid:

  • Tuna, salmon and other large fishes (in moderation due to mercury content)
  • Raw sushi  (try to avoid because of salmonella risk)
  • Caffiene and aspartame (in moderation)
  • Cold lunch meat and hot dogs ( try to avoid because of salmonella/e-coli risk)
  • Rare meat (try to avoid due to e-coli risk)
  • Alcohol (in moderation – opinions vary)

Any of those not look familiar? All of those are pretty much “risky” foods for everyone, aren’t they?

But first, let’s start with caffeine. You’ll hear a lot of women be completely anal about this in the beginning of their pregnancy because it’s something, for most people, easy to avoid. Then the God-awful headaches begin. Now, which would you find less of a risk to a growing baby? Synthetic drugs, or 1-2 cups of strong coffee to relieve a headache? That’s right. My OBGYN said it’s perfectly safe to consume the caffeine content of two cups of coffee on a daily basis.

And alcohol – I don’t drink, and people have different opinions. However, people get all uppity about FAS (Fetal Alcohol Syndrome) and yes, it’s a bad, bad thing. But most of the babies with FAS come from mothers who repeatedly went on binge drinking outings during pregnancy, or were intoxicated on several occasions. Having a glass of wine or champagne from time to time is not going to pickle your baby.

Anything else is pretty much up for grabs. I had some serious sickness in which I could not keep even water down most of the time. The only thing I could possibly consume were cup noodles. Now, I’ve worked in biotech and have taken several different levels of college and high school science. Plus, I cook – a lot. I know, beyond a shadow of doubt that the sodium content in cup noodles and ramen alike is tremendous. However, which is better? Not eating at all, throwing up incessantly, or eating cup noodles? I can’t tell you HOW many people said, “Amie, you shouldn’t eat that. The sodium is really bad for the baby.” I wanted to break them in half.

With drugs, there’s a long list of things to avoid, but things like Tylenol, Tums, and Zantac are all perfectly safe to be used throughout.

5.) Touching the bump

Touching a pregnant woman’s baby bump is about as acceptable as her reaching out and honking your boobs or grabbing a firm hold on your package. If you don’t want either of these things and/or a broken wrist to happen to you, it’s best to ask first, or just avoid putting your hands on her at all.

6.) Demanding to be in the delivery room/at the hospital

Often, this comes from BFFs of the preggo, but it’s usually from relatives. My mother-in-law demanded I to fly to Egypt to give birth so that she could witness it. Hell no. Hence why I’m still here and Mr. B is gone visiting and appeasing her.

From the day I found out I was pregnant, my step-mom heavily hinted…nay, asked if I wanted her in the room with me whilst shoving out baby. However, she’s been great about me not giving an answer yet.

Everyone else has asked me to call when I’m going into labor so they can be there. Seriously. You want me to call you when I’m contracting every four-to-five minutes, doubled over in pain and screaming at my husband for impregnating me, and/or with my legs in twain in stirrups. You want me to actually remember to phone you. F*ck that.

To be fair, I have prepared a list of phone numbers, but you can be damn sure it’s not going to be a cheery, personalized call from me. And depending upon my decision, my discretion, you may or may not be called until after she’s born.

As far as actually being *in* the room during delivery, everyone has their preferences, but for me, I’m just going to say that it’s an intimate thing. I don’t want 20 people in a single file line passing my exposed vajingo and getting a good look. No, all dignity doesn’t have to go out the window with pregnancy. All of you – friends of friends and friends of relatives and relatives, unnecessary medical staff and anyone else I so choose to ban – do not have an all-access pass to my lady bits. Baby in/out of them or not, they’re still mine. If you didn’t help put her in there, unless you have a medical degree and/or drugs for me, you have no business being there when she comes out.

7.) Offering unsolicited advice and/or criticizing parenting choices

This one is a definite risk to life – as bad as #1, but possibly worse.

See, pregnant women are much like animals as our instincts and nature take over at a certain point. I like to explain this as “Mama Eagle Syndrome” – I might look beautiful and majestic, but if you mess with my nest, you mess with me or my chicks – I’ll scratch your damn eyes out and beat you to death with my giant wings.

No, seriously. That’s how it is.

Now, I’m sure most people have all good intentions when they offer advice.  However, the only advice that’s welcomed has to fall into three categories simultaneously, (a,b and c) and sometimes (d and e):

a.) you have to be an experienced parent

b.) I have to have asked you for it/it has to be a relevant topic of discussion

c.) you had better practice what you preach and have proved results

d.) your kids should not be hellions, felons, on probation, currently serving a juvie and/or prison sentence or in any other way a menace to society

e.) your information should not be outdated

My sixteen-year-old sister, in all her glory and wisdom of two child development classes, spent twenty minutes lecturing me and criticizing my decision to attempt to make my own baby food.  She accused me of being a granola cruncher and that I was “just trying to be trendy and cool.” Well, excuse me, but the economic crisis has affected most people, if it hasn’t affected you. We, as a family, waste several dollars by placing dinner’s leftover green beans in the fridge only to throw them out the following week. Gerber jar food cost is on the rise and it’s probably full of crap Baby could do without. I just don’t see how “granola crunching” it is to toss said beans in blender with milk or formula, but given your high-level of pediatric education matched by two weeks of child rearing experience with Baby Think-it-Over, I’ll “consider” your opinion……..

People have also knocked my wanting to try cloth diapering. I’m just trying to be a little ecologically responsible here. If you’re comfortable with your carbon footprint, then proceed in your merry ways, but leave me the hell alone in mine.

Plus, I don’t know how many times I’ve heard, “Don’t raise your arms above your head like that. You’ll wrap the umbilical cord around the baby’s neck.” Now, given current science, that myth has been dispelled. However, why did people believe that lifting your arms would some how tie a cord (that is connected to baby via placenta, which is in no way attached to your back, shoulders or arm muscles) around the little baby’s neck. I don’t get it.

The only reason you should EVER under ANY circumstance criticize a woman’s methods is if she is putting her baby or herself in danger. If it’s just because it’s not how YOU would do it, then go get knocked up, and do it all yourself with your own baby.

Every woman is different and every pregnancy is different. Given all my experiences, I’ve decided to create a new blog based on pregnancy and birth. If you’d like a personal invite when it’s up and running, please give me a shout out.

Advertisements

Responses

  1. OMG this post was so good and very funny! Print it out and hand it door to door across the country.

  2. you are soooo funny! great post hahahah.

    check out my blog, it might give you some good laughs

  3. Heheh.

    There is no freaking way that I am going to let random people come to the delivery room. They can come after I’ve had a shower.

    And no one is touching my bump. I’ll carry a knife.

  4. Congratulations on your pending motherhood. Yes dealing with idiots can be a PITA when you’re pregnant. Just smile, and ignore the advice. They are never going to see your side, so pretend to listen to them.

    I did avoid caffeine when I was pregnant. I didn’t have any headaches until I had diet-coke for the first time AFTER I had the baby. Ouch!

    Just do what you want to do. Have who you are comfortable with in the room with you. If they are going to be a PITA about it, then call them after the birth.

    Two of my kids are half Egyptian. They have great genes! Have you ever been to Egypt? I haven’t, but I did live in Amman, Jordan for about a year and a half a few years ago.

    Gentle hugs to you and the little one!

    Anisah

  5. This is a fabulous post. You had me rolling with laughter with tears in my eyes from remembering how I felt about all these things.

    Kuddos for cloth diapering and making your own baby food, too!


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

Categories

%d bloggers like this: