Posted by: Amie | September 29, 2008

Men Go to Jupiter…

Yeah, yeah, I’ve only been married to Mr. B. for one year, but I’ve been surrounded by those who sport a y-chromosome for my whole life, now haven’t I?

We women are all different and all mysteriously complex. Period. There is no arguing with that. Men, however, are all the same simple, and simple minded creatures but carry a seemingly unending and elaborate list of desires. In effort to not totally lose my mind, I’ve pretty much narrowed them down to five categories: sex, food, comfort, ego, entertainment (in that order of hierarchy). When you begin to categorize everything in a man’s life as such, it will seem incredibly simple.

Sex is sex and food is food. Comfort skates on a very thin line with being lazy, but it can also mean emotional comfort. Ego is all about him feeling like a “man” and being a control freak. Entertainment can include anything from playing Xbox or guitar to watching sports – anything really, that takes hold of his attention most of the time. Of all the categories, this one is the most variable among men.

I will use the three less-obvious categories in an example: He will be willing to fork out cash at the best theater in town (ego) to take you to a play or opera (entertainment), but he’d rather just go to a movie in plain old jeans instead (comfort). See how it goes?

Mr. B. I know you won’t get offended (if you’re reading this) when I say men are dumb animals. They harbor some of the most brilliant minds on the planet, but as far as interaction with women goes, they’re retarded. It’s, sadly, our jobs as superior life forms to accommodate their lack of know-how.

While they are certainly easier said than done (and I certainly can’t even follow them all the time), here is a list of things I have learned about getting along with men:

a.) Don’t call your boyfriend/husband 500 times every effing day at work or when he’s out with friends and has already told you during the last five calls where he is. (comfort/ego)

Everyone, including him, thinks you’re pathetic and lame. It’s not cute, it’s annoying.  So knock it off.

b.) Men hate messes but are too lazy to clean them up. (comfort)

I guess for a man it’s much easier to trip over a box three times, scream at it, and kick it out of the way rather than just pick it up and throw it out. Yeah…it boggles my mind too.

c.) Men appreciate it when you clean up the mess. (comfort)

Believe it or not, they actually do. If you feel unappreciated, stop cleaning for a week and let him see just how much you really do without him noticing. Even the most dense man (even if it takes more than once) will eventually catch on.

d.) Men’s idea of cooking: DDMG.  Delievery. Drive-thru.  Microwave.  Grilling. (food)

If it doesn’t fall into one of these categories, it probably ain’t happening.  I think it’s the remnant barbaric neanderthal DNA that makes fire turn a man on – that’s the only reason the grilling thing happens.  That’s why we are the ones who are supposed to know how.  If he is unleashed in the kitchen your counter top will most likely turn into unintended indoor hibachi if you catch my drift.

e.) Single or not, a man will still stare at a hot chick’s ass. (sex)

I don’t know if this applies to all men, but I’m pretty sure if she’s dressed to show it off, he’s gonna at least look. Screaming at him will do nothing.  They’re men, they’re dogs. They shouldn’t do it, but he most likely will.  However, if he acts on it, well, feel free then to kill him.

f.) Wear clothes around men. (sex)

Dressing like a ho will only get you treated like one – cheaply and as if you’re disposable. It’s okay to dress cute and classy, but when you show up to a party or work blatantly showing off the goods, that’s all a man will see, and he certainly doesn’t give a sh*t about what you have to say, or you at all for that matter.

g.) A little listening goes a long way. (comfort)

If a guy is having a day from hell, just listen to him whine about it. Don’t join in, don’t give him a hug with the intention of trying to force him to cry it out on your shoulder (unless absolutely necessary), don’t chime in, just listen until he’s done, and tell him something simple along the lines of “I hope you feel better.”

h.) Being a bitch will get you nowhere. (ego)

I don’t care how much of an jackass a guy is, if you give it right back, it doesn’t matter because he’s already begun to ignore you.  Be simple, be rational, and use small words if necessary.  Get your point across, and shut your pie hole.

i.) Nagging does nothing but delay what you want done. (ego)

I actually heard a guy say “because she won’t shut up about it, I’m not gonna do it.”

j.) When it’s small potatoes, agree with him (even if you secretly don’t). (ego)

As long as it’s not something worth getting in a huff about, even if you know that there’s a better way to do something, there’s really no point in arguing with a man.  He will find every “excuse” and every “evidence” to prove his point because he’s convinced that even if the earth will have to spin in the opposite direction to make it happen, he is right. Do it his way and if he complains when it fails, say “you told me to.”  That’ll piss him off and prove your point.  *evil laugh*

k.) Be a lady, and they’ll treat you like one. (comfort)

I’m not exactly sugar and spice and everything nice. I blow up and swear sometimes, but I generally conduct myself like my mama and my grandma taught me to. More than once, a man has dropped the f-bomb in my presence and immediately retracted with, “sorry,  I shouldn’t have said that in front of you.” It might not be a big deal to some, but it makes me feel at least I deserve some respect.

m.) Be his slave, and he’ll be a slave to you. (comfort)

That’s right, ladies. If you know me well, you’ll know that even my husband is a feminist and so that would make me, what? Superfem? This advice was passed to me long before I took the plunge. It doesn’t mean do everything he says blindly without question (though “slave” is probably not a term everyone is comfortable with). It means rather pamper him from time to time, respect him, look up to him like an authority and even if he doesn’t in the beginning, if he’s any man of character, he’ll do the same to you.



  1. Too true! I may not be married, but I do have four, wonderful *cough*, very male brothers. It took me a while to get h and j, though (read, I have a big, sarcastic mouth that more often than not goes off on it’s own).

    That was hilarious though. And very enlightening! Thanks for sharing 😉


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